Insomnia

I've called this post "insomnia" purely because I'm writing it because I can't sleep...
It's strange really because I've ways had trouble sleeping my entire life up until fairly recently where my insomnia completely disappeared. But now that it's not a common occurrence, it's really annoying when it does happen.

As a child I was always restless, I remember being awake when everyone else was sleeping quite often. I used to wake up when it was still dark outside purely because I couldn't wait around in bed any longer. So I'd go downstairs and watch t.V. I smashed a cereal bowl once and my stepdad ran downstairs thinking it was a burglar in the night, ballsack hanging out the bottom of his shorts. I mean if you're going to catch a burglar, at least put away your genitals.
When I was a teenager it was particularly bad. I suffered with depression as a teen which probably caused me to not sleep, and not sleeping made me more depressed so it really wasn't the best time to be knee deep in algebra homework and tackling an army of zits on my face too!
After getting some help with my depression, the insomnia got better, particularly when I fell in love with my ex. I find sleeping next to someone very soothing. Falling asleep next to him was very easy. Naturally when we broke up after a 4 year relationship I found it very difficult to adjust to sleeping alone. I spent the initial first few months, you know, the horrible, blubbering, snotty, won't go out the house or put on a bra unless I have to, "why didn't he love me?" stage, getting into bed with as many people as I could. Snuggling up with my siblings, or my mum, letting my baby nephew get in with me, sleepovers with friends. Eventually I got myself together and somehow my insomnia all went away, completely on its own, like never before. I have lie ins now until noon. It's brilliant!! 
I say now, because just lately I've been having some trouble sleeping but it's only natural. I found out I'll be getting made redundant soon, my sister is having some health scares and I miss a boy that I shouldn't even dare to think about because we only dated for a short time and broke it off months ago now. But such is life. On the bright side all that time I'm spending not sleeping, I'm spending filling up my blog!

Life update:
It's currently early morning on August 29th 2015. Bank holiday weekend has begun. I've had a fairly productive working weak in that I am steaming through my nvq so I have the qualification in place before my job disappears. I am going to Leeds festival for the day on Sunday. Why? Mainly because of ALEXISONFIRE!!!!!!!!  I was scrolling through instagram a few months ago and they posted a "summer festival reunion" banner and I saw that Reading and Leeds were on it and I almost shit a brick. I was heartbroken when they said they were no longer touring. And my bestie Amelia and I went to see the farewell tour and got commemorative tattoos the day after. Can't believe I'll be watching them tomorrow!!!  Im so exited I might cry!
Also Metallica are headlining so that will be FACE-MELTINGLY AWESOME!!!!!
I am going to attempt to make a mississippi mud pie tomorrow because I have been going crazy at the gym and because I keep eating shit its not getting my anywhere, so I'm going to binge like crazy this weekend, detox all next week and get on a healthy eating regime until Christmas.
My Goals for the rest of the year are as follows:
1. Find new job - number 1 priority as it will mean I am able to pay for my car, catalogues, phone bill, gym etc.
2. Get into old trousers. I am a size 14 comfortably, I piled on weight since getting into an office job and my mum being ill for a long time. I am closer to a size 16 now, and I need to shift the excess. It is most unsexy. Right now, I wouldn't want to fuck me, so no wonder Mr Shouldnt-be-thinking-about-him didn't.
3. Save money and make plans to go on an almighty, epic adventure next year. Either the Canadian road trip I've been saying Ive wanted to do or go do some volunteering in Tanzania. Now that the whole ebola crisis is no longer on the news I think it's safe (must check this).
4. Enquire about college. - We are uneducated, we must remedy this.
5. Start savings account - to save for deposit for a house so that one isn't living with ones parents house at 30. Or still sleeping in room next door to noisy neighbour, when his elderly mother dies because when she is away he is a fucking nightmare, and the next time he keeps me up all hours playing Alanis Morrisette and Christina Perri, he will be waking up VERY early to the sound of Slipknot pumping through the airwaves.

I think sleep may be upon me. Goodnight cruel world.

Skin blog

I have terrible skin.

I have always had terrible skin, ever since I was very young. I started puberty incredibly early and so I started to get acne before I even left primary school. It was difficult, because I was fat, I had frizzy hair and wasn't pretty, so bad skin, was just another things that made me hideous. In a time where I felt most vulnerable, starting secondary school, a terrifying time for most children, life decided to dish me out a face that looked like a erupting volcano. I'd sit on the school bus with my portable cd player stuffed into my school bag so nobody would know I couldn't afford an mp3 player, while some wankstain of a year 9 boy shouted "pizza face!", "eurgh, look at it, don't you wash your face?" - original.
Of course I did wash my face, I washed it an awful lot. It got so oily sometimes I'd try to wash off the oil in the middle of the day because I thought it might work, but it never did.
Over time, I discovered hair straighteners for my frizzy hair and starving myself for my fat arse. It was around this stage that I discovered make up for my shitty face. And you can bet your arm I slabbed tgat cheap rimmel shite on good!
Foundation was and is the greatest discovery of my life. While some might argue that make up, is just making an ugly person pretty and that "it's all lies", I would argue that actually, make allows people to see me. The real me. Not just the acne. I feel that when people see me without make up on, they don't see my face. The shape if my face, the features of my face and the way it all sits. When people see me without my make up on, they just see the bad skin, the raw, red spots, a sea of black heads and the rippled open pours.
In those early days, I slapped on foundation and concealer like there was no tomorrow, in order to cover up my spots. While this helped with my confidence, and allowed me some normality it did not help my skin. That said, it didn't make it any worse either. My skin has always been consistently terrible. What's worse is that I was the first person in my family home to have been blessed with a spotty face.  My mum, sick of looking at the enormous pustules, waving at her from my chin, told me to pop them. One the one hand this, does help the infection evaporate faster meaning that particular spot will heal quicker, on the other hand however it does make them scar. Particularly, when the spots are big and deep. So nowadays I am contending with a perfect blend of both acne and acne scarring.
Doctors would do nothing, except give you some zinc based topical ointment that will never work and tell you "the only real cure is growing up, it'll clear up in year or two", - LIES!!! I am now nearly 24 and still have the same shitty, acne covered skin I had when I was 12. Every day I wake up to at least one fresh spot which will linger for days on end, on my mush somewhere until it's time to make room for another.
Despite my skin problems, I have found solice in my one true love - make up. Growing up in the emo era, make up has allowed me to be who I wanted to be, nothing beat six kilos of goth eyeliner on your face ready to go to maths. I have loved experimenting with different colours and styles and feeling like a celebrity when I copy someones make up from a magazine *cough* Hayley Williams *cough*.
These days I find that my favourite part of the day is the half hour I sit, in the quiet, by my window, inventing my face for the day. Over the years, the products have changed, finding the right foundation for my skin has proved quite a challenge, particularly when I decided to go cruelty free. My thought however have remained the same, I don't wear make up so I can look more like someone else (apart from when I purposely copy the Misery Business leopard print look) I wear it so I look like me.

People will always say "make up won't help your skin you know", well I've heard this so often I started to believe it. I have gone for long periods of time without make up and it hasn't made the blindest bit of difference to my skin. And so I would rather wear it, wash it off properly at the end of the day, cleanse well and carry on.
I find that people can be horrendously insensitive about my acne, some simply say "maybe wash your face more often", this boils my piss something chronic. Not only has this person ignorantly assumed that acne is caused by having a dirty face, not only has this person assumed that I am incapable of washing but has also had the balls to frankly accuse me of being too stupid to realise the connection between cleanliness and acne. Others will give you every fucking tip on the planet - "oh my cousin had bad acne, she used to boil water and stick her head over the pan have you tried that?" or "toothpaste, my mum swears by it, try it?" - not only is this rude because you are discussing a personal issue that I haven't bought up, but it's also rude to force your unwanted help and opinions onto me. Do these people seriously think I haven't tried EVERYTHING!? Once I read and article online on how to get rid of blackheads, and spend the following week covering up scold marks where I had tried to boil my face while it was wrapped in vaseline and cling film (black heads unbudged by the way). People think that it's okay to discuss my acne, because they think it's a quick fix (because people are ignorant), and because it's not a disability, or a disfigurement it doesn't have the same taboo status for talking about it. And while I think nothing should be too taboo, I think people should feel comfortable enough to ask polite questions if they are generally concerned/interested, but I sure as hell don't need your advice or opinions on it. Especially if it's not you whose doing with it.

My current skin regime:

Treatment - I have been prescribed lymecycline once a day to treat the acne, plus a topical ointment for the "effected area" called Differin gel. I have also been trying to take one teaspoon of coconut oil a day.

Routine:
When I wake up I go to the bathroom and wash my face with hot water and a gel/soap facewash (not a scrub).  I like superdrug tee tree with pink grapefruit, Palmers cocoa butter daily face wash but at the moment I am using Lush Coalface. It's designed for teenage skin and leaves my skin feeling smooth and like all my pours have tightened up.
Pat dry my face with a clean towel.
I will then tone using a pretty standard superdrug toner and a cotton pad. Leave this to dry.
Moisturise, it's been difficult for me since going cruelty free to find the perfect moisturiser, my skin is really sensitive and some of the more perfumed ones can make my skin burn up. I like a sorbet moisturiser but haven't found a good cruelty free version. I am currently using superdrug B. Daydream for group A (20s). Smells awesome and is lovely and creamy. Leave this to absorb.

Make up!!!!!
I start with a primer. I use Nyx photo loving primer for everyday, if I know I'm going to have my make up on for a particularly long period of time on the day, I will first use Nyx pour filler on the areas I have open pours.
I leave this to set a little.

I use a mix of different foundations, I have around 10 in my drawer currently, because I haven't yet found the perfect cruelty free dupe. I use one or two a day to build up coverage and get the right colour tone (most are far too far for my pale skin). I then proceed to set with powder (again I have about 12 powders at the minute trialing them and mixing them up. My lifelong favourite is body shop press powder. It is simply the greatest powder foundation known to man.
Oh wait I forgot concealer. After foundation, if there are areas that need coverage I use a blob of concealer. I use an elf full coverage concealer.
I complete every day make up with bronzer, eyeshadow, eyebrows, eyeliner and mascara. Occasionally a lipstick.
Body shop setting spray too!

When I get home I remove my make up with a make up wipe, and wash the rest off at the sink with my gel facewash. I never leave it just with the make up wipe. While good at removing most of my daily make, some wipes use the same ingredients as antifreeze and the residue left on your face can cause spots. Always wash off.
Then I normally pound it out at the gym for a few hours, and will end up showering, and I will wash my face again with gel wash or coalface soap.
Sometimes I put on night cream if my skin is dry, if my skin is feeling sensitive, I will just use coconut oil but most of the time I let my skin breath overnight.

I do a superdrug mud mask once a week to matify the skin. Every couple of weeks I try to do a full facial where I will steam the face, using my soap and glory face brush and coal face to cleanse the face while the steam opens the pours.
I will then apply Lush Cupcake and sit with that on for an episode of Orange is the New Black. I will take this off with warm water, then I will dunk my face into a tray filled with icy water. Once I'm done I will pat my face dry with a clean towel.

There are so many things I could talk about to do with skin, and cosmetics, dermarolling for example, or how important it is to keep make up brushes clean but perhaps that's another blog for another day.

Peace out!